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Another day another breath. Another day another death

So much death surrounded me. I was 12 at my first funeral. It was a boy I had a crush on. It crushed me. Go figure. I didn't know what to think. He was just gone. I remember right after my mom told me that he had died I went into my room and was looking for something to wear... something tapped me on the arm. There was no one else in my room... Idk what to think about it... People just kept dropping from there. Some of it gruesome car accidents most of it was drugs. The powers that be didn't want to believe that in perfect suburban America that drugs were the activity of choice. But trust me...  The kids were not alright  Everyone of them seemed to leave a giant hole in me. Some holes bigger than others. I look back now and realize most of those people have been dead longer than they were alive. That just seems so... obvious somehow but it never occurred to me that this would happen. Like...idk it just seems like as much of an impact that most of my dead people had on me in...

Be resilient in-spite of it...

The past year has been one of growth and opportunity. I have learned a lot about myself and the people I have chosen to be in my life. You never really know people until shit goes south. I have been fortunate to have some key people in my life that are down for anything.  I have been working lately to make my house a home. To bring the things my parents left behind together in such a way that I can incorporate their memories into my kid's lives. Sometimes I fail miserably. I have been trying to understand what it means to get up and try again. I feel like I have done this so much in my life but I never really spend the time to understand what it means.  Resilience is not for the faint of heart. I never would have thought it was for me. I was always to finicky, the one who bailed out when things got hard. Hell I still do that from time to time. When things get serious I take the opportunity to move on. I think it comes from moving around so much as a kid. I went to ...

My Favorite Mistake

"Every mistake has a purpose. I had to make all those mistakes to arrive at this one". The lesson I am trying to learn at the moment is how to not try and fill the void in my life with random men. I have never been one to be in a relationship...not really. I usually have admired my crushes from the side. Referred to as their "best friend". Anytime it starts to become something more than friends men don't tend to stick around. I find myself wondering if my dead people were still alive would I be doing this dating rando's thing? I think I am searching for someone to tell me they are proud of me and want to cancel plans with other people just to sit and talk to me for hours. I want someone to WANT me not need me. Someone who will make me a priority. Someone who will love me unconditionally. I know I am lucky to have felt that kind of love at all. It feels almost greedy to want it again, but I do. I have been looking. But you see the problem with looking is t...