Another day another breath. Another day another death

So much death surrounded me. I was 12 at my first funeral. It was a boy I had a crush on. It crushed me. Go figure. I didn't know what to think. He was just gone. I remember right after my mom told me that he had died I went into my room and was looking for something to wear... something tapped me on the arm. There was no one else in my room... Idk what to think about it...

People just kept dropping from there. Some of it gruesome car accidents most of it was drugs. The powers that be didn't want to believe that in perfect suburban America that drugs were the activity of choice. But trust me... The kids were not alright Everyone of them seemed to leave a giant hole in me. Some holes bigger than others.

I look back now and realize most of those people have been dead longer than they were alive. That just seems so... obvious somehow but it never occurred to me that this would happen. Like...idk it just seems like as much of an impact that most of my dead people had on me in such a short amount of time that they would ever be that far behind me...it is crazy....blows my mind. #ICantEven

I used to feel like the grim reaper. I would meet people and just feel The need to let them know that if they became close with me they would die. It had been par for the course throughout my angsty teen years. Talk about fucked up. I was like the grim reapers assistant or some shit. Like somehow I had fucked up so badly in a prior life that I deserved everyone dropping like flies around me. I still don't really know how to feel about it. I still have trouble getting close to people. It is very isolating to lose everyone you love.

The big one aside from my mom obviously was Eric. I was enamored the second I lay eyes on him and from that moment on we were inseparable. I can't even explain the connection. I was head over in love with that boy and he with me. We only acted on it the one time. Just a kiss. He was very very fucked up and I was very not. It didn't go well. It totally freaked me out. So I did what I always do when faced with outward displays of emotion. I ran from it... and lied. and told him it felt like kissing my brother. I was terrified to lose him. His friendship meant so much to me. I had let him in and I couldn't lose him... Turns out I lost him anyway. Drugs kill.

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